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(Source: rmrphoto, via mrmojorisinnnn)
we have to fill out paper work before i see my new psychologist. And after asking me if i was addicted to meth or gambling on grumbling gator scuttling relay races or dangerous cult like castration in maniacal and monstrous sexual encounters or if i ever had immoral or illegal fantasies - like incest (and then homosexuality was an option after incest and pedophilia and I ??? !! WHAT THE WATER SKIING SORDID SCOUNDREL SASQUATCH I HAD NO IDEA THOSE WERE IN THE SAME LEAGUE OF DIABOLICAL DEBAUCHERY??? AM I GOING TO BE ARRESTED OR INSTITUTIONALIZED OR SHUNNED AND PELTED WITH SARDINES OVER MY GAYNESS???) it asked what I was like at school
and my mom literally put “has 2 friends. often talks about wanting to murder everyone. has panic attacks over using public toilets”
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well
that synopsis took an unexpected turn there at the end
adolescent lust will often lead to unfortunate lycanthropy though. It is known.
(Source: theofficenbc, via i-aint-bovvered)
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shoutout to me for still not having my driver’s license
(via pretentiousdooshbag)
apparently my jubilantly festive silly putty went through the washing machine with a load of precious cotton cargo and now my shirt is in RUINS
and im not medicated currently, so i wasn’t going to accept any blame so i screamed “STOP BUYING ME SILLY PUTTY AND SLINKIES. I HAVE TOO MANY. THEY ALWAYS END UP CAUSING CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION”
my mom had forgotten to buy butter tho, so she was awaiting a challenge to awaken her trotting temper so she was like “IT’S EASTER. I’LL BUY YOU WHAT EVER THE HELL I WANT, AND YOU BETTER LIKE IT” but then she ran into a wall and was like “GOD BLESS AMERICA”
so i glanced down at my sticky and disgraced former attire and angrily declared “you’re always so fucking patriotic when you stub your toe. God does not bless your blackened toe nail, lassie. That’s the devil’s work”