it’s always a contest for how many butts can be squeezed into one single lap
and then it turns into a different game of ‘where did this smell originate from? WHOSE ANAL GLANDS??’
i live in constant fear that i will unwittingly unveil that my dog is a mastermind homicidal maniac of the midnight hour
also ivy lee with her pompous robust presence sort of ruined the tragic atmosphere of les miserables
piggy you’re either trying to seduce me, or ignite a chemical reaction within my brain causing me to explode due only to the evil penetration of your gaze
im very frightened
you need to find jesus, girl
because satan is coming out of your eye sockets right now and i swear to god i will banish you to the kennel of confinement and woe and you will miss out on fajita night
this is about the only usable picture
my father tried to entice them all to be more photogenic and modelesque with bacon bits but then they just started hurling themselves off the bed
before the photo shoot he was napping with all of them up there. He had a chihuahua butt dangerously close to being perched upon his head like a proper ass hat
look how magically this miniature top hat sticks to pudding the evil dictator dog’s head!!!
no force of nature could keep that tiny fancy velvet helmet atop that head swarming with villainous thoughts except for her pure enjoyment of having it add some spunk and sass to this festive season!!!!!
im just kidding
we duct tapped it to her head
she hates her life
but by god is she dapper
piggy on the other hand will do anything for a turd flavored Popsicle
that is the face of a dog who is dead inside
that sounds like me trying to be humorous but no that picture was taken the day she died
she was so sickly she would vomit and then be too weak to pull herself out of her own puke pinata
im so sick of crying over dead dogs
and now all the pictures i had that i was going to use to build a memorial shrine are gone. fucking ass odored candles
its so sad because that dog hated most everything except walks and my dad and in those last few days she was totally absent like she was already gone
she’s the fucking dog that ratted me out to my mom when i was hoarding breakfast pastries in my dresser drawer. i mean it’s not really that impressive scent detection, they were pretty moldy.
i was looking through a pamphlet from the rescue where we got little girl. It just featured really decrepit elderly dogs that radiated toxic levels of awesomeness basically
and there was this boy dog that reminded me so much of little girl oh my sweet jesus on fire dancing the night away in his disco boogie down shoes
he was old as balls, and his tongue stuck out in the exact same way. So much alike, except he was alive. Hhahahahahahahah sob
He already has a home but it spiraled me down into a weep session that lasted awhile
there’s a 50% chance that when i go to sit down, my mom will start screaming before my butt hits cushion. A frenzied screech alerting me that i am about to squash the chihuahua with the mighty girth of my ass
yeah whatever ur not even cute
stop stealing my tweezers and stashing them under the futon
i will not live a sham of a life in exile due to unibrow horror because of you and your blackened soul as bleak and evil as a rotten banana
sometimes i play a game
how many dogs can i fit into a photo before they realize im up off my ass and assume that it is time to partake in turkey feasting
NO SIT BACK DOWN AND POSE YOU MONGRELS
becuz of u i never stray too far from the sidewalk
becuz of u
here is a post of all the photos ive taken of my dogs in the last week
oh thank you piggy, i appreciate the smell of your roasted farts wafting all around and engulfing my in a charred butt fragrance
i cant take you seriously. there is something very wrong with you
jesus christ eyeballs dont work like that. you are a wonky mutated fish dog and i disprove of that tiny twig that you have brought back to your lair
holy fucking christ my bladder just exploded in fear. That glare melted the frozen fanta gates that surround my heart
that’s pretty gay you guys
go take your lesbian antics somewhere else. this is a house of DECENCY AND MORALITY and unless you’re gonna include all the other dogs then that’s just rude and we dont associate with those dick beans who discriminate against canines who maybe have a preference for non turd affiliated dining experiences
that was on thanksgiving, my dog being a model whilst pondering life as she solemnly gazes off into the distance as bill murray screams in terror behind her
and now a collection of photos entitled: my dad loves boo boo AKA a day we cleaned up her urine before he got home, so he was content to make out with the dog for a bit
